Difficult Interactions (III).

(Note: If you found the previous posts in this series “woo woo”, you might find this one nearly intolerable.)

A final reason to stop talking in the midst of a difficult clinical interaction is so you can accept what the other person is doing.

When you accept someone else’s behavior, this does not mean that you necessarily agree with it. It doesn’t mean that you condone it, support it, or want it to happen more. It just means you accept what is happening.

We cannot control the behaviors of others. We can influence them, but we cannot control them. If we do not accept what is actually happening, we have no chance of influencing what happens next.

I worked in a residence where two men would occasionally pee in the elevator. They weren’t incontinent, there was no Foley catheter and bag that malfunctioned… they just periodically voided their bladders in that small space.

Willfully ignoring the yellow puddle in the elevator won’t resolve the problem. The odor would fill the elevator and other people would inadvertently step into the urine.

Wistfully wishing that they had voided their bladders elsewhere won’t resolve the problem, either. “Why didn’t they use the bathroom? If they really had to go, they could have at least peed into the plant next to the elevator. Should they wear adult diapers?” Trying to solve the problem before having a clear definition of the problem often only leads to frustration. You cannot define a problem until you accept that it is a problem.

It’s also common to realize that, when you’re silent and accepting what the other person is doing, the difficult interaction often softens. It is hard to argue with or resist someone when he is accepting what you are doing and saying in that moment.¹ Furthermore, you are also practicing and modeling a useful skill. The other person might realize that he could use that skill at that moment, too.

To review: One reason why it is useful to stop talking during difficult interactions is so you can acknowledge the emotions you are experiencing. Another reason is to recognize and adjust the language you are using to describe the situation to yourself. A third reason is to accept what is actually happening so you can plan and take next steps. It seems like all of this would take a long time and result in awkward silences, but that doesn’t happen. For many people, staying silent isn’t a habit. It takes practice.